Dear Abbi
by annibolic
Summary: Another humor, no plot whatsoevernorintended fic from moi....dont kill me. Yes, I think there is OOCs but no OC. I think.
1. Help Column Edition 1

Dear Abbi...  
  
Everyone has heard of the famous Dear Abby column in the US! Now, what if there was a similar column here in Japan? What if the SD boys decided to write in? Is 'Abbi' really normal?...  
  
You know the drill. I own nothing. Except the name. I copyright that. Idea's not even mine, how pathetic is that?  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi,  
  
I really really really like this girl in school. The problem is, she's in love with another basketball player. She's really nice and kind. What can I do to get her?  
  
Basketball Genius  
  
P.S- the other guy sucks.  
  
  
  
Dear Basketball Genius,  
  
KILL HER!! KILL HIM!!  
  
Sincerely  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
All I want to do is sleep. But people keep bothering me.  
  
Super Rookie  
  
Dear Super Rookie  
  
KILL EVERYONE!! THEY MUST NOT DISTURB ONE WHO IS SLEEPING!! SLEEP GIVES YOU ENERGY, SO ALL WHO DISTURBS SLEEPERS MUST DIE!!  
  
Sincerely  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I'm really short, and everyone teases me about it. What should I do?  
  
Shortie  
  
  
  
Dear Shortie  
  
KILL EVERYONE!!! NO ONE SHOULD BE HEIGHTIST!! THEY MUST DIE!!!  
  
Sincerely  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I used to be in this...group....but I quit. I joined this club, and I guess I'm happy here, but my friends are pressurizing me to join back. And I don't want to. What should I do?  
  
MVP  
  
Dear MVP  
  
KILL THEM!! YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD NEVER GIVE ONE PEER PRESSURE!! THEY DESERVE DEATH!!  
  
Sincerely  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
This stupid freshman in school calls me this name I really don't like. Come to think of it, he gives everyone annoying nicknames. They might not mind but I do.  
  
Gori  
  
  
  
Dear Gori  
  
KILL HIM!! CALLING PEOPLE NAMES IS A SERIOUS DAMAGE TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM!! IN FACT, KILL EVERYONE!! THEY SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR IGNORING THIS SERIOUS INFLICTION TO THEIR HEALTH!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I used to be one of the Starting Five of my school basketball team. Now because of four new members, I'm a bloody Reserve! I mean, come on! I'm the assistant leader? Just because I'm nice and give way to others doesn't mean I don't have any feelings!  
  
Glasses  
  
Dear Glasses  
  
WATCH BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR!! HE ALWAYS MAKE MY PROBLEMS GO AWAY!! AFTER THAT, YOU CAN KILL ALL OF THEM SO YOU CAN BE IN THE STARTING FIVE AGAIN!!  
  
Sincerely  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Don't kill me. Please. I haven't written a second chapter yet~  
  
kKk 


	2. Edition 2

Dear Abbi...  
  
Everyone has heard of the famous Dear Abby column in the US! Now, what if there was a similar column here in Japan? What if the SD boys decided to write in? Is 'Abbi' really normal?...  
  
You know the drill. I own nothing. Except the name. I copyright that. Idea's not even mine, how pathetic is that?  
  
[Author's Crap Place]  
  
Lalala~ I'm so happy. I've just got a new laptop from my Godpa, I found my handphone, and I feel in the mood to write another chapt.  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I have a friend who's a real flirt. It doesn't really bother me but sometimes it's so irritating, I can't stand it. He spikes up his hair and he's a really good player, an ace. He often skips/comes in late for practice and it really pisses me off.  
  
K  
  
  
  
Dear K  
  
KILL HIM! HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO TORTURE SUCH GIRLS!! I SPEAK FOR THE WOMEN'S RIGHTS GROUP!!  
  
Abbi  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
There's this guy in my rival team, he really pisses me off. I made MY debut FIRST, but HE HAD to come in and take ALL the glory. I hate him. He sucks.  
  
Master Chef  
  
Dear Master Chef  
  
KILL HIM!! STEALING ONE'S GLORY IS BAD!! I KNOW THE FEELING!! I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I don't know why people make such a fuss when I gel my hair into spikes. I mean, it's original, isn't it? And just because I smile a lot (or maybe constantly), doesn't mean I'm weird, right?  
  
Smiley  
  
  
  
Dear Smiley  
  
EAT A BANANA MUFFIN!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I like to take notes on everyone, but I don't know why people don't like it. I get punched up and yelled at when I write down anything personal about the people. I mean, what's wrong? If they did nothing wrong then why not let at least me know what they do?  
  
Unbelievabler  
  
Dear Unbelievabler  
  
WHY DON'T YOU KILL EVERYONE?!?!? THEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, AND EVEN BETTER, IF THEY DO, THEY CAN'T STOP YOU!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
The students I teach drive me nuts! I mean, they're not bad actually, but they whine and groan when I train them harder. It's for their own good! Why can't they see it?!  
  
Sensei  
  
Dear Sensei  
  
KILL THEM ALL!! THEY DON'T DESERVE SUCH KINDNESS FROM YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!! AND IF THAT FLIRT IS IN YOUR TEAM, PAY HIM SPECIAL ATTENTION TO HIM!!! AAAHHH!! HE MUST FEEL MY WRATH!!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
  
  
Heya! Another chapter done...  
  
Like promised, I posted this on Sunday.  
  
This thingofamajig actually might have a storyline of sorts.  
  
Cool.  
  
And I've already thought of the ending.  
  
Hope it's funny enough...  
  
Lalalala~  
  
~`kKk 


	3. Edition 3

Dear Abbi...  
  
Everyone has heard of the famous Dear Abby column in the US! Now, what if there was a similar column here in Japan? What if the SD boys decided to write in? Is 'Abbi' really normal?...  
  
You know the drill. I own nothing. Except the name. I copyright that. Idea's not even mine, how pathetic is that?  
  
[Author's Crap Place]  
  
There will be some sane people writing in. As in normal people with normal problems like their boyfriend is acting weird, what should I do, or my granny has an annoying cat and I'm not allowed to kill it, is there another way to get rid of it, yadda yadda.  
  
I think I'm balding.  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I am the captain and coach of my school basketball team. It's very stressing, I admit. I still manage to maintain my grades, but the stress is getting to me, especially since after the State Finals. My team is also feeling it. What can I do? I want to improve my team, and un-stress myself. Do you have any good suggestions?  
  
Fuji  
  
  
  
Dear Fuji  
  
TAKE STEROIDS!!! I CAN GUARANTEE INSTANT GOOD PLAY ON THE COURT!! AND LISTEN TO THE LORD OF THE RINGS SOUNDTRACK!!! THE MUSIC IS GOOD!!! IT CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS!!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
My cat fell into the neighbour's pond. The fish are alright, but my cat isn't. I think it drowned. It's not moving at all. It doesn't eat, and it hardly moves. And my neighbour is so uncaring! He demanded payment for 'ruining his lawn'. He doesn't even have a lawn! He has long hair which he ties into a ponytail. What should I do?  
  
Catlover  
  
  
  
Dear Catlover  
  
IT'S OBVIOUS YOUR CAT IS DEAD!! MOVE ON!! GET A NEW ONE!!! POISON ALL HIS FISHES!!! CUT OFF HIS HAIR!!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
I am the vice captain of my basketball team in my school. My friend, who is the captain, is really stressed. I saw him this morning and he had circles under his eyes. It's obvious that he's under a lot of pressure. I want to help him, because I know how it feels like. He's the coach as well, and president of our level, AND he has to maintain his A-average. Yet he still keeps up his cheerful demeanor. Can you help me?  
  
Glasses the Taller  
  
  
  
Dear Glasses the Taller  
  
KILL HIM!! THERE'S NO PRESSURE OR STRESS WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
Are you related to Abby?  
  
Ike  
  
  
  
Dear Ike  
  
WHY THE ^%&$ DO YOU WANT TO KNOW!??! I HATE HER, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW!!! ABBY THE ATTENTION STEALER!!! ABBY THE VERY-OLD!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M A LOT YOUNGER THAN SHE IS!!!! THAT BANSHEE!!!  
  
Abbi  
  
  
  
Dear Abbi  
  
[Editor's note: This letter has been taken down due to unneeded expletives. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.]  
  
  
  
Dear ----ed up  
  
[Editor's note: We have also taken down this reply for the same reasons. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.]  
  
  
  
  
  
[A's CP at the bottom]  
  
Did you know bugger's actually a bad word? Just learnt it while playing pool. Really bad....  
  
Ooh yes, I'm thinking of another fic, but I'll need quite a few authors' voluntary join-in thingy. Anyhow, when I've decided what to do with it, you'll know.  
  
Somehow.  
  
[More A's CP, 3/1/2003]  
  
Finished the rough plan, and I think I'll need a lot of people's join-in thingy.  
  
A lot more than I thought...  
  
Oh, and I don't start school 'til 13th Jan, that's why I'm here. Muahahaha. Plenty more time for thinking.  
  
I'm over with mushrooms...I need a new eating addiction....  
  
I think I'll try cheese.  
  
~`kKk/kka 


	4. Newspaper Article

A/n: Muahahaha. Killing spree. Typical me, wot wot?  
  
Disclaimer: Well you've read the first chapters. If they do belong to me I wouldn't be such an idiot as to kill them off, wot?  
  
---  
  
*SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN*  
  
Kanagawa's favourite teenage basketball players are gone.  
  
They will always be remembered in our hearts as the best basketball players in high school. It seems that they have been writing into an advice column called 'Dear Abbi', who has been giving suicidal or fatal answers to their problems.  
  
Little do they know the real truth behind this 'Abbi'.  
  
Abbi is, in actual fact, a 16 year old girl who has been, lately, overdosed with an unusually large amount of Thymine 120, a vitamin that can do really strange things to a person's mind when taken too much.  
  
She had pleaded temporary insanity and is now serving two months' time in the local police station.  
  
There will be a mass funeral for the deceased. All are welcome.  
  
---  
  
*Column*  
  
Hi, I just want to know, why are they so stupid as to follow her advice anyway?  
  
~Anonymous  
  
Dear Anonymous, If you dare insult the Great Rukawa Kaede again, we shall hunt you down and make sure you will never be able to write again.  
  
~Rukawa Brigade (Or, what's left of it. I can't remember if they died or not.)  
  
--  
  
--  
  
Don't kill me! oh yea, by the way, the guy in the cat incident? The one with long hair? Yes, he is Kiyota. Somebody asked, but I can't remember the name now -_-. Sorry!  
  
Epilogue is next~~  
  
~`kKk 


	5. Epilogue

A/n: Whee! ONE story DONE at last!  
  
Disclaimer: SD no mine. Abbi, 'Abby' mine.  
  
---  
  
An elderly woman sat on a cold, hard, plastic chair, waiting. She looked rich; she dressed richly, at least. Patiently, she glanced at the clock. Four pm.  
  
The doors swung open to reveal two details flanking a young adolescent. She looked sane enough, or at least, she looked like as if she had not caused the death of more than one basketball team.  
  
The woman got up slowly. "Thank you for all the trouble. Come Abigail, we have a flight waiting for us." The teenage girl walked unhurriedly towards her, smiling.  
  
"Yoo Grandma. How did you get past that mob out there?"  
  
A stone was thrown against the re-enforced windows, and bounced off unscratched. Several others followed suit. A few signs were thrown against it, and people were chanting something that sounded like, "'Revenge for our young!' 'Bring Justice upon her ugly fat head!'" and such.  
  
"Come girl. We're going by the helicopter. Wipe that smile off your face, I've already told the pilot not to let you sit in the front. God only knows what you'll do."  
  
***  
  
"You know, you're lucky that the families are still grieving. Otherwise, they could sue."  
  
"It's not like you don't have the money, Grandma." Abigail popped a chocolate into her mouth. "Mm, nice. Where're you going to send me to?"  
  
"Back to America. You're going to Sweet Valley High. And no more help columns."  
  
Abigail smiled evilly. Oh no, no more help columns, writing hurts her hand. Now, Internet, on the other hand.  
  
--  
  
--  
  
Yea yea, the epilogue sucks. Can't think of anything better, and it IS 2.30 am where I am in now.  
  
^^ You can still find me at my other fics though.  
  
~`kKk 


End file.
